I'm suppose to be living my dream!

I'm 21 damn it!

***

I realized that I'm not so young. I know it sounds preposterous coming from me, but it really is the truth.

I don't know about other people, but when I was much younger, I always imagined that my dreams would become fulfilled automatically upon reaching a certain age. I may not have always announced it as much in public, but it has always certainly felt that way. I always thought that I would be the one to do the dreaming, while the me of the future, was suppose to be doing the fulfilling part.

Yet, before I knew what has hit me, I am already at the time in my life where my dreams were to be fulfilled. Just as the me of the past done his job of dreaming up grand fantasies, the me of the present has not done any of the requirements, and has yet to have one dream fulfilled.

I suppose to anybody else this would be called a mid-life crisis.

Not so for me.

I have had several of these moments of realization, filled with futility and dread. It has become a recurring theme. So much so that I am beginning to think that I have adopted these sickening realizations into part of a pattern: I realize that my life is not what I want it to be, I distract myself with entertainment, I live life satisfied thinking that there is nothing wrong with it, and then the cycle repeats itself.

Instead of writing a great novel about hockey based on the Romance of the Three Kingdoms; or training myself to become the first Chinese (ethnically) tennis player to be ranked number one in the world; I am sitting in front of my laptop screen reading volume 4 of Toradora! I wish to scream at the top of my lungs, to yell to the world that I am determined, and ambitious! However, I know better - the scream would just be another of my melodrama flair ups.

So what am I to do?

I think a good place to start would be to write down a list of things that I would like to get accomplished, such as driving, or finally be able to do 100 pushups.

So, hopefully I can think of some excellent ideas for this list!